I took some sleeping draughts late last nite. Either not remembering or conveniently forgetting that this particular type takes about 19 – 24 hours to work out of my system.
But I was desperate for uninterrupted sleep. REM sleep would be nice too.
That makes me…
PC Version : Alertness Impaired
Hippy turned Geek version : chemically enhanced
the truth : somewhat stoned and damn goofy/sleepy/giddy
J came over the night before last. He was dropping off the Girlie after she’d gone to see Elantu. I snagged him and told him that we needed to talk. Given the way things had been going…his apparent lack of priorities where S and I are concerned…his less affectionate ways…etc., etc., I wanted to know where we were going – and did he want to continue to work things out? Did he in fact, want us to be a family?
No answer..non committal shrug.
I ask then, if he wants to break up and just salvage the friendship/parenting relationship.
“I don’t know.”
Ok..*deep breath* what do you want?
“I don’t know what I want.”
Lucky for me its dark. I am keeping my voice very calm and controlled though.
But he says that he loves me and doesn’t necessarily want it to be over.
Well then – what am I supposed to do? Because I am not going to hang out in limbo while you think things over for forever.
“Do you want to date other people?” he asks, an edge coming into his voice.
Not particularly; I have no one in mind to date, at any rate.
He relaxes again into a passive state as he realizes there is no direct competition.
:I am afraid that I lost my temper here. Basically, I told him that if he wanted S and I back in his life full time that he would have to woo us back. Because, then it would be obvious to me that he did care and that it did make a damn to him. I further stated that therapy would occur – no ifs, ands or buts before I moved back in. Our communication is too bad and there’s too much history that we have to work through first.
“K.” is his answer.
I am so confused. I love him dearly – and want things to work out between us. But, not if there isn’t a passion to it. And I’m not just talking about sexual desire and the gratification thereof; although that is certainly important too.
No, I mean passion about each other. Where you are excited to see this person every day. Where you can’t wait to share a bit of news or even just a smile. When you trade smoking glances all day long during a get together with your friends. When you call during the day for no other reason than to hear his/her voice.
We had it at one point. And now that seems to be gone from our lives. Is it because we’ve been together for so long? Or because we’re parents? Does it just naturally get ground away by day to day life?
Gods…I hope not.