I am not stupid. I am not ugly. I am not fat. I am not stupid. I am not…

Long day.
Long fucking day.
It started on Saturday, really.

I don’t know why I get so weird, sometimes. Its like I’m doing fine, and then WHAM! the universe just slam-dunks my head into the nearest privy. bet it looks funny. I’m sure that it would make a great cinematic moment. With dialogue it would probably be some nattily dressed guy asking, “You didn’t really need that ego, did you?”

*sigh* Ever have one of those days where you weren’t sure if you needed to be angry or sad?

Work has been an ongoing trial. Not that I don’t enjoy it, I do. But its been a huge learning curve on top of the emotional crap that’s been ongoing.
Why must I take everything so much to heart? Why do other’s actions even *fucking* matter to me so much? Is there a reason that my heart just wrings itself out like a used cleaning rag every time something comes along to upset the status quo? Because the status quo is gonna get upset quite alot. Its all part and parcel of the whole living gig. Enormous, cosmic heart powers….itty bitty living space (so to speak).
Further, I don’t know why I feel the need to compare myself to other people. “He’s so much nicer than me” “She’s got a much better figure” “I wish I was as smart as them”

It gets old. Even in my own head it gets old.

17 thoughts on “I am not stupid. I am not ugly. I am not fat. I am not stupid. I am not…

  1. the best measure of one’s self is to test your integrity. What is integrity? Living by what you say you believe.
    If you say you belive this, and you live by what you say, you are doing fine.

    As far as the rest of it, I am in the dark, but even a blind man can see you need this:

    1. Thank you for your words and the hugs.

      Yesterday was bad. I think everyone goes through a time when they aren’t feeling 100% sure of themselves or their place in the world.

      1. we all do. But the only thing we can do in times such as those is to endure.
        You made it…and today is a new day, filled with new possibilities.

        My teacher tells us to focus not on the impossibilities of yesterday, but on the posibilities of tomorrow.

  2. You are an amazing woman who holds qualities few have, and none hold in the same combination or with the same twist.

    It is like putting the lime in the coke, you nut, but I digress.

    I understand though, completely. I analyze myself again and again, myself and those around me.

    What gets me through is finding something that is ~mine~ and going for it.

    If you need any ear, I am here for ya.

      1. We all have them hunny ~huggles~

        I think you are keen.

        I am very selective of people I think are keen, very very picky as Virgos tend to be, and I think you and John are both uber cool. Hope that counts for sumfin 😉

        And can’t wait to dance with you Friday!

  3. I’ve had lots of those days

    some lately even; why the more “fluff” posts instead of real ones.

    maybe if I write it all out I’ll feel better.


    1. Yeah. But if I write about it, I generally can analyze what’s causing it quicker. Its not any less painful – but it certainly helps narrow down the “WTF” syndrome.

      *hug* for you on your less than fresh days.

      1. Re: *hugs*

        I was actually quoting from “Buffy:The Vampire Slayer” (the movie).
        When Paul Rueben’s character (PeeWee the vampire!) sez that to Buffy.

  4. It’ll be like this for as long as you don’t believe in yourself, that you deserve good things, that there’s no need for competition, that you’re just damn fine the way you are. It’ll never get better until you change that, and that’s the only thing that’ll change it.

  5. I used to do this a LOT. I still do sometimes, but if you fight it instead with “look at what I do have, and the reasons why I’m good” vs just disputing, it works a little bit better.

    Still sucks though. My inner voice is fucking voracious.

    1. Thanks sweetie. I do know better, I truly do. I find that it helps me to write this shit down and purge it outta my system.

      *griefangstwoeangstgrief BLARGH!*

      *cough, cough* Better.

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