This morning as we were on our way to drop The Girl off at the YMCA I asked her if she had had good dreams last night.
“Oh, yes. I dreamt of bunnies.”
“Oh? Big bunnies?”
“Tiny little bunnies.”
“What color were they? Were they pink? Blue? Orange? Polka dotted?”
“Snow-white bunnies. And they made me their queen. And then, I became the sun.”
After we’d dropped her (with many admonishments to “have a fabu day!”) we continued on to T’s work. Somehow we got into a discussion of Toys That Are Evil and That Shouldn’t Be Given to Children. Ever. A lot of what we talked about had its roots in toys that go bad, esp. in movies. But I got to thinking and I realized that there are many toys that are evil.
Here, for your edification is a partial list:
Teddy Ruxpin: What were these people THINKING? A doll that talks, that you put tapes into? Uh-huh. Every parent knows (as Robin Williams once said) that that thing wakes up at night and says things like “You must kill Mommy and Daddy.”
My Mom once gave Summer a doll that said things like “I love you Mommy” in the most evil, insinuating voice, ever. I swear it rolled its eyes at me every time it said that. As you can imagine, that doll got lost *very* quickly.
Actually, just about any talking toy should be avoided. They’re creepy. What’s worse, is that they have a tendency to go off in the middle of the night while you are checking on your child. Picture this: you’re bending over the bebe, smoothing ruffled hair back off her forehead. Suddenly from underneath the bed comes this bright, perky voice. “Mike Wyzowski…on the job!” it declares. Loudly. Right next to your foot, where its poking under the dust ruffle.
Why do these things go off spontaneously like that? Do the toymakers think its funny? Is there a little extra (a ‘daemon’, if you will) bit of programming included? (Subroutine F93Z, “scare the living shit out of the parents”, enabled….GO!)
Barbie clothes/shoes: Actually its more for two reasons. One – its not like the damn Barbies (at least in our house) *wear* clothes anyway. And two…”Barbie shoes” is actually a Swahili phrase that translates roughly as “Foot Mines”.
Polly Pockets. Anything in this line of toys should also be banned from sane households. They have thirty squillion parts and they’re all TINY. More foot mines and possible animal choking hazards.(*)
Matchbox cars Who besides me thinks these are just a prat fall waiting to happen? Hardware floors, staircases-you name it. Mark my words — one step onto a Matchbox car on a slick surface and you are doing a Three Stooges floordive.
Ello Essentially girl Leggos. These should be banned. Why on earth do we need gender-based leggos? *shakes head in disgust* Besides, they don’t work right. The little connectors fail after about the third time you use them.
* — my cats aren’t the brightest and Macha will try to eat anything that isn’t sealed into lead-lined containers.