Dear Gods of Sleep….
You know,…I have been nice. I have followed all Thy rules. Even when they seemed to conflict with one another.
I have eaten of no food right before bed.
I have eaten a large meal right before bed.
I have gotten out of bed when it seems that Your will did not include me.
I have stayed in bed when your blessing had been withheld.
I have read boring texts in an attempt to court your affections, as proscribed by your clergy.
I have discontinued the imbibing of caffeine after noon, most esp. in the form of regular coffee – which is repellent in Thy eyes.
I have taken the sacred Benadryl, the sacred Dimatap, the sacred melatonin AND the sacred warm milk. Even though the last one made me barf like a high pressure hose.
None of these rituals have seemed to have helped. You have appeared to abaondon me.
Please, Gods of Sleep. Grant me thy absolution for whatever sin I have committed in Thy sight. Give me sleep in quantities of more than 3 hours at a whack.
Yr. Obedient and Forgotten Servant,