The Real Tips

So, I am noticing a lot of helpful, advice giving articles on how to have the very best Thanksgiving, ever!

Like this: Tips on Having Thanksgiving Like Regular People

Uh-huh. Here’s MY list:

1. Put off buying the food until the day or night before. The scrap with others shoppers over that last 8 lb turkey and box of Stove Top will get your blood pumping and ready to deal with the next 8 hours of cooking.

2. When your estranged family member calls at 8 PM the day before to let you know that they are coming to dinner, say “Why Jim! Of course you can come! We welcome the chance to see you, your alcoholic wife and your nine children!”

3. Paper plates. Seriously. No one wants to spend the four hours after dinner washing dishes.

4. Put everything breakable up. Not out of reach of the children, but up. In boxes. In the closets. Do it. You will thank me.

5. Also, hide the matches. You do NOT want a repeat of the s’mores incident from the last year, do you?

6. Make sure that all the plumbing is in good working order. Get a Port-a-Potty or similar for Jim et al.

7. Wal-Mart sells those little card tables for pretty cheap.

8. That being said, use old bedsheets for the kid’s tablecloth. They don’t care and you won’t lose your mind when one of the little urchins pours a gravy lake on it like they did to your antique lace the year before last.

9. Resist the urge to spike the iced tea/holiday punch/lemonade with Benadryl.

10. Give thanks that Thanksgiving is only once a year. And change the locks once your family have gone.

17 thoughts on “The Real Tips

  1. It’s times like this I’m glad I have a small family. My fiancée does have a large family, but it’s large enough that we won’t ever have to have a Thanksgiving at home. Ever.

    We get to be those people.

    And it’s awesome!

    1. You don’t qualify as THOSE people, doll

      I have my doubts that you have ever grabbed a handful of fried chicken gizzards & popped ’em in your mouth like potato chips, declaring “I din know ya had any of these!”

      Or smashed a brownie to the wall behind the freezer in the utility room to see if it would stick. (It does, by the way.)


      My Mama’s family. East TX hillbillies. At least the reunions are never *dull*.

      1. Re: O I C! M R Rednecks!

        I have so much family in Nacogdoches. They will never, ever step foot in any home I am responsible for cleaning. Nuh-uh. No way.

        One year my grandmother decided to dispense with appetizers at Thanksgiving, and made a cooler full of jello shots.

        No, it’s never dull.

      2. *g*

        I had an uncle show up to a family reunion on his motorcycle*. No big deal, right?

        He was balancing a giant bowl of macaroni ‘n cheese in his lap as he puttered up. Big ole bowl, Saran-wrapped to death, full of cheesey-carb goodness.

        * -Harley-Davidson, of course. There IS no other bike so far as he is concerned.

      3. Re: *g*

        Hee. 🙂

        Even hillbilly roots can have nostalgia to them, with enough distance, and enough soap.

        I do suddenly want mac and cheese for lunch, though.

      4. Re: O I C! M R Rednecks!

        Heh. Houston, Baytown and Pasadena. I was so glad when I could get away from those. I dont do ‘Pretend to be civil’ well. You might say, not at all, even!

      1. Yep. 🙂

        Fortunately, none of mine get totally wired on the first dose, but if I have to dose Sam once a day for more than 2 days in a row, he gets to where he can’t stand himself, so we save that only for dire emergency with him.

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