TMI WARNING! (if I could make it blink I would. Promise.)
This post talks about …*glances about for the squeamish* … MENSTRUATION. If you are completely unable to read about this sort of stuff, I have provided a picture of a baby bunny at the bottom of the post. Just skip on down and enjoy!
Feeling ugly and useless?
Eating anything not nailed down, esp. if contains hideous amounts of sugar or salt?
Good lord, it must be PMS time!
I have the most gawdaful, cranky, sweaty, cold, painful and nasty periods. What’s worse is that they often sneak up on me. I will be going along, fine and the WHAMMO! Blood outta fucking nowhere! And we aren’t talking a dainty little teaspoon, oh no. Nonono. Not on MY uterus’s watch. More often, it looks like I have messily murdered a midget in my bed.
I was tired of getting constantly surprised (and buying sheets) so I downloaded an app to keep track of things. It is muy wonderful as far as it goes. But it doesn’t do all the things that it should. For example, I think that it should send out email notifications to all my nearest and dearest. Maybe something that blinks or sounds giant klaxxons, warning of impending bitchitude. Flower and chocolate companies should be put on alert as well. FedEx trucks should roll up to my door and drop off econo-boxes of Advil. Additionally, during my period I think every time I pick up the iPod, I should get a little bio-feedback. With, I dunno, dolphins and whalesongs and some shit.
One of my cousins – years ago, and no I have NO idea what happened to the
snippy little twat girl – told me that I was causing my own pain/misery by expecting it. If only I would just relax and let, like Mother Nature take Her Natural Course (trust me, you could hear the capital letters). Why, then I would not be wrought up and tense and my period would be *wonderful*.
Oh, really Ms. I Bleed Lightly For Three Whole Days? Well, let me tell YOU something. When you stop shitting bluebirds and bleeding pixie dust and start having a real period, then you and I can talk. Tell you what — why don’t you come back on Day-flipping-7 of MY little trip through Nature’s Bounty, and we can discuss how rapturous it all is.
I suggest you bring ice cream.