While I was out for dinner with a friend last evening, I got a text from my best girlfriend.

“Honey, have you been on FB in the last few hours?”

And to tell the truth, I was a trifle irritated. I thought maybe that there had been some sort of drama1 or maybe a political action of some kind. You know – something that could conceivably wait.

I was wrong.

I replied that I had been away from the computer for several hours and was nowhere near one at that moment. A minute later, my phone began to ring. That was when the first trickles of dread started, I think.

I picked up and she gently asked me if I was sitting down. Yes, I was.

“I’m so sorry; our friend has passed away…”

I’m not sure what all she said after that. It felt like I had been gut-punched.

She couldn’t be gone. Could. Not. Her baby was less than a year old, her step-son needed her calming presence. Her friends and family loved her too much for her to pass away. No way was life as unfair as to take her from everyone. She had beaten cancer. Beaten. It.

But, she hadn’t. Her poor body had finally given out, tired from the pain and fight.

And I am just so overwhelmed with sad and guilt and anger and where in the fuck did time go?  I am left feeling that I should have made the long trip to see her more often. Why didn’t I shake off the quagmire of depression and go? I didn’t though. And now? Now there is no more time.


“Y’know how you get all wrapped up in life, and you keep thinking there will be time later? Don’t. Just… don’t.”
– friend

My heart is hurting for the hole left by her absence in her circle’s lives. I am worried for her children and her husband. I am so goddamn angry at the medical community that treats cancer from the symptoms inward. I am even more furious at cancer itself, taking our tribe away from us.

How dare it?

How fucking dare it!


In your travels today, tomorrow, onwards… Take a moment to look around. Make sure you are loving on the people around you. Make sure that those you care about get hugged and touched and loved enough. Tell them funny stories, tell them sad stories, keep them in the loop of your life. Don’t let things drift because there will be time.

There isn’t.
There is never enough.













1 – Not that this friend is in the habit of drama-mongering or anything like that. I just literally couldn’t think of anything else that would have her text me with that message.


8 thoughts on “Phoenix

  1. The anger, the guilt, the sadness. I can so identify. And while we know that we or those we love could be gone at any minute, it is difficult–and maybe even impossible–to live with that uppermost in our minds every day. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

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