Should have just gone for a damn run earlier.
So.
Today I had a nasty anxiety spike. It was mostly just the goddamn old tapes in my head – you know the ones: worthless, wordless, everybody hates you, worm-eatery, blah yarg fuckety smuckety.
Did I warn you that this post might contain a cussword or two? I didn’t?
Consider yourself warned.
Man, I loathe feeling like that. I guess there isn’t a person alive who doesn’t have those moments, every now and again. They suck syphilitic goat, no two ways about it. For most of the afternoon, all I could really do was sit on the couch, play a stupid video game, and tell myself over and over that my brain was being an idiot. I eventually reached out to my friends – who I know care about me – and asked for a bit of love. Which they poured over me, with gusto.
A lot of gusto.
With a promise of cut-off shorts and bartending, even.
I wish I could say that I snapped out of it right away. I didn’t Brain weirdness doesn’t just go away. But I did convince myself to stop huddling in on myself, to interact with friends and family, to make dinner, and eventually to go for a run.
Please refer to the first sentence in this post.
I feel better now than I have all day. I mean, minus the wobbly legs and the sweat pouring down my face. Of course, part of it is the endorphins; however, some of it is just not letting the stupid anxiety win.
Fuck that shit. I deserve better than being a whiny neurotic heap on my couch.
At any rate. I didn’t have much more to say. I wanted to write about kicking anxiety’s ass (mostly) to the curb, at least for the evening.
I also wanted to post (with video links because I’m cool like that) my run music. It was on shuffle, so it was totally the Universe channeling the right music for me. Even if much of it had to do with Code 187-MDK and the 80’s.
Ladytron – Destroy Everything You Touch
Suicide Commando – Bind, Torture, and Kill
Duran Duran – A View To a Kill
Camoflage – The Great Commandment
What ARE the fucking lyrics about??
CombiChrist – This is My Rifle
Today? You pukes will sleep with your rifle. You will give your rifle a girl’s name.
BeeGees – Stayin’ Alive
Totally John Travolted all the way home during this one.
The last song was really, really appropriate and *totally* cracked me up. I was shuffle-dancing and giggling the last few minutes of the run.
The Process 
There must be something in the air. I’ve been listening to a bad dub of those same tapes lately myself. It’s the fact that it kicks your motivation to the dirt that makes it suck the most. All I really want to do lately is sleep (which hasn’t worked out well) and hide from the world. Oddly, I think what I really need is more social time. Irony is a dirty dirty whore.
In other news, I love you, but there’s no way in hell I’m wearing Daisy Dukes for anyone. I can serve up some booze though.
Indeed she is, Rob.
EEP! I mean… um. No need for Daisy Dukes, dear. Just a bit of social time, game, smack-talking, and a hex map will be sufficient.
I put to my husband the ongoing debate about whether all artists display identifiable symptoms of mild/moderate bipolar disorder, thinking he would have a chuckle, seeing as his wife is a creative person and also the absolute PICTURE of even-tempered calm….. You can imagine how that turned out. So I’ll just say that, for me, having a good sweat takes the edge of the mental shit-storms bookending my creative highs, and if I make myself sweat every couple of days when I’m feeling good, the mental shit-storms can sometimes be avoided entirely. So, props to the running, the loving buds, and the cut-offs. I hope you’re having a better day.
I am. 🙂
Trying to get into the practice of everyday exercise as well as “hey, I feel icky, let’s go sweat.” Because sweat > general anxiety.
Short on words right now, so *lurv*.