Inspired by most of a full night’s sleep and a comment to a post I made on FB.
I don’t know if y’all know this, but I am a raging insomniac. I have trouble both falling and staying asleep. Sometimes, if I am mid poor sleep-cycle, I will only average about 4 hours of broken sleep. And the problem worsens as I age.
If you think this has made me a completely cranky, hateful, mean, and all-around difficult person to be around…well, you might be right.
But last night, I got sleep. A glorious, mostly in-a-row, 9 hours of sleep.
I am beyond grateful. And still a little tired1.
I mentioned on my FB that I was so very happy to have had some sleep. A friend posted that she was going to sacrifice a small pillow on behalf. I was tickled so I replied:
“I give unto thee, Mighty Sleep Lords, this small throw pillow (with fringe!) so that our servant may continue to sleep. May she ever follow in the Restful Way.”
Which of course led me down a Alician Rabbit Hole thought spiral; the outcome of which is this2:
I must sleep
Not-sleeping is the mind-killer.
Not-sleeping is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my wakefulness.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the wakefulness has gone there will be nothing….only sleep will remain
I know that there have been thousands of articles on sleep. How much is good, how much is bad, what kind you should be having, how to get to sleep, what drugs to take to sleep, what behaviors indicate a good sleep profile, how to sleep lucidly (wut), how to make profit from sleep…
I might probably have read most of them in an attempt to figure out my sleep issues. Nothing has ever really worked for me. Not long term, at any rate.
Well, except for one thing.
Being still. Or rather, allowing myself to be still. I feel kind of silly3 talking about this, because I am definitely a non-woowoo sort of person. However, meditation – the practice of just being – has worked almost every time I have seriously4 tried it.
I think…I think that in spite of feeling like a fool for counting my breaths and relaxing, I should be feeling like one for ignoring a modality that, yanno, works for me.
Is this what growing up is? The realization that everything that was embarrassing to you really has no actual impact. And that being embarrassed over something that helps you is asinine.
1– Have been operating on around 4 (or less) hours per night for almost a month, now.
2– I *did* mention that I have gotten about 37 (+ / -) hours of sleep in the last month, yes?
3– I’m not sure what it says about me that having found something that actually works I won’t use or discuss it because I feel a little silly about it.
4– By ‘seriously’ I mean sitting down with intention and not allowing my Traitor Brain to distract me.
The Process 
So needed Bene Gesserit references, today. I’m full of the sick-as-shit-of-steering-the-household-ship-and-swabbing-all-the-fucking-decks-myself brand of grouchiness today. Off to read me some Dune, now…. (Also: pleasant dreams, my friend.)
If I get to where I’m having trouble falling asleep, it’s usually because my mind is racing over something. I find something else for it to do, before or after turning out the light, and that usually helps. Usually. Or I end up needing to take medication for pain, and I hatehatehatehate having to do that.
If you do try the meditation route, be cautious. Some people find that they then can’t get to sleep without meditation, so late nights become a good half hour later than planned. Also, the most important things I did to mostly kill my insomnia were to eliminate caffeine and reduce my stress levels by facing my demons directly.