8 Days a Month

 Earlier this morning, my Mom sent me this:

Queso, sera sera. Whatever will cheese will be...
Queso, sera sera. Whatever will cheese will be…

 I giggled and replied with, I may or may not have had cheese dip (with roast chicken leftovers stirred in) for lunch yesterday. 

SPOILER ALERT:  I totally did.  


 Of course, I am in the EAT ALL THE THINGS portion of my monthly cycle. Which, interestingly enough, coincides with the NOTHING FITS portion of it.”

Funny, right? 
It got me to thinking though. Because really, it’s true. I don’t know about other women, but the week right before (and sometimes a day or two into) my period, I suddenly turn into Prymaat Conehead.

I will enjoy it.
I will enjoy it.

SOURCE: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3ue503

There is a burning need to consume mass quantities, usually of the salty, greasy variety.

Sometimes I amaze even myself.
Sometimes I amaze even myself.

Leftover Hawaiian pizza w/a lightly fried egg on top. Yes, I made and ate this. Don’t judge.

I can stop anytime.

But, why?  Why does this happen? Am I the only one that is like this?  Am  I doomed to a bigger pant size every month (other than that caused by bloating)?

I know that I have written about period things before. And maybe some of you guys are tired of reading about it.
“I know you have it, but do we have to actually *talk* about it?” 
“Can we just pretend that it doesn’t exist?”
“It’s just so…”

I'll just leave this right here, 'kay?
I’ll just leave this right here, ‘kay?

SOURCE: http://www.thefightnation.com/warning-this-article-is-all-about-uriah-halls-gross-looking-broken-toe/

Too bad.
No, seriously.  If your body did weird and gross things every.single.month you’d want to discuss it at some length, too. Especially if part of the whole process added an extra $45 per month to your grocery bill.

Mmm. Cheeeesey.
Mmm. Cheeeesey.

SOURCE:   http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2014/02/haters-gonna-hate-but-heres-26-pictures-of-freaking-amazing-looking-nachos/

And not the good-for-you sorts either.

So why? Why do we suddenly decide that binge eating for the week or so before a period is a good idea?

Turns out, that at least some of it is caused by a hormone called progesterone.

I hate you luteal phase.
I hate you luteal phase.

SOURCE: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Progesterone

This little bad boy, right here, is a mean appetite stimulant.

 As it turns out, it also causes you to store salt and water, which leads to bloating. All of which tells me that it isn’t the queso so much causing my expanded waist size 8 days a month. It’s the hormones.

Bikinis, Sour Cream and the Tao of Eating Right

Tao = The Way or the Path. Usually associated with more metaphysical paths.  It somehow seemed appropriate here. 😀
Title is, in part, from this scene from “Chinese Ghost Story.”
Which, if you haven’t seen it, go forth and do so.

A friend of mine was recently chosen to be a participant in a weight loss contest called the “Slim Down Showdown.”  She is blogging about her journey towards a more healthy and active self. I encourage you to go and give her a hug, a kudos, and cheer her on. She is an amazing person with reservoirs of strength that will astonish you. I cannot wait to see what magic she works with this next step in her life.


It occurred to me yesterday, as I was congratulating and jumping up and down and squeeing for her, that my own healthy eating practices have been somewhat lax just recently.
Very lax. To the tune of an added 10 pounds.  In the grand scheme of things, I know that a ten-pound gain over a semester isn’t that big a deal to most people.

But, you see, it is to me. I was starting to get all fretted up – being generally anxious and down on myself. That is, until my pseudo-husband pointed out, “Hey, you’ve been working out pretty regularly. Could it be added muscle and body rearrangement causing the gain?”1



Well, maybe.
But, still. The feeling of not having a good handle on my family’s nutrition bothered me. We have had Domino’s a bit too often recently. Pizza every now and again is not a bad thing. Pizza as a staple2 is.

I have some set ideas about nutrition. My mantra is “real food; whole food.” I want to set down a meal for us where I know exactly what went into it.
I cannot afford the pricier, “organic” versions of some things. For example, almost $4 for a dozen eggs seems extreme on my budget. Especially when a dozen and a half of the ‘regular’ eggs costs $2.50.  Or corn on the cob for $1 for six ears at my local grocer; and 4 for a $1 at the big box Organic Store.
I am not going to get into a debate on the pros/cons of organic purchasing. For now3, most of that sort of food is simply beyond my price range.

Another battle that I am having on the nutrition front is with Mister Man. He is a trauma nurse. He loves and believes in the AMA. He especially believes in their low/no-fat program of eating. For him this means using the sin grasa versions of products, especially the dairy products. And while I grok what he is saying: he worries about heart health and cholesterol and fats, I worry about eating things that more rightly belong in a chemistry set.

Let me give you an example:

My feeling is – eat the real stuff. Just eat a smaller portion of it. In the example above – sour cream – most folks are just adding enough for flavor and creamy texture, right? So, 2 tablespoons ought to easily do it. Not a couple of huge dollops that take out the top third of the container.4

I always do better when I have a plan. A set track of what I should be doing. Because while I love and can easily do spontaneous fun eating – I am not so good at the everyday healthy spontaneity. Some people are, and that’s awesome. Me, not so much.

And it occurs to me, that perhaps I am not alone in this? That other people are looking at their eating/fitness habits and saying “Well…now what?”

I know that when I very first started hammering out an exercise and nutrition plan, it helped me to see what other people did. And NOT Fitness Guru Flava O’the Day. Regular people. People who had to get up with their kids in the morning. People who had to be at work or school, every day. People who don’t necessarily have the bazillions of dollars to join a gym or hire a trainer or buy fancy-schmancy fitness equipment.

It also helps me to have a set goal. Something concrete I can work towards. I have two at staggered intervals. GOOOALLLL!

Goal The First: I am going on a cruise in September. (I KNOW, right?) I’d like to be able to wear, sans embarrassment, a bathing suit of my choice.

Preferably something with skulls.





Goal the Second: There is a 5k Obstacle course that I want to participate in this coming December. I have never in my life run in any sort of event. I’ve always said that running is what you do if someone is chasing you.
Well….Now I can do both. A 5k WITH people things chasing me. How fantastically awesome is that?

My plan is pretty simple. It has to be. I haven’t got the extraneous brainpower to do anything that requires me to calculate this, that, and what in the heck is THAT?

Plan: Real food, balanced meals, smaller portions, daily exercise, track everything. Wooo!

I know. So intricate! So maddeningly complicated! So difficult.  /sarcasm5

But really, a good plan is that simple when it is boiled down. I have my schedule and menu set. I feel calm and confident in my success. The next step, in the words of some advertising agency, is to Just DO EET.

So, that’s what I am doing.



These are some of the people and sites that I find helpful and inspiring. Check them out! There’s fabulous information to be had. These are from a variety of backgrounds and ideologies, a little something from everyone.   Also included is the website I use to track my in/out of food and physical activity.

Fit Mama Training  :::  Every day, simple changes that have a lifetime effect.
Go Kaleo  :::  Hard training vegan with a fabulous outlook on life.
Austin Hula Hooping  ::: A great place to start looking for hoopin’ info.
Robert Gardner Wellness  ::: Thai Massage, Yoga in Everyday life, eating simple.
Livestrong  :::  Most of everything I eat already exists in the database. Easy-peasy!





1 – Paraphrased.
2 – For me, that is more than twice in a month.
3 – Only one real income, me in school full time, The Girl being a teen who eats *everything* that isn’t nailed down.
4 – Something that I used to do, back in the bad old days.
5 – Heheheh. I amuse me.

Health Abridged

I don’t know about you guys, but I must start a new fitness routine every few weeks. At least I am consistent with my wanting to be in better health. Just not with follow through on a particular method to get there.

I think overall that I am in pretty decent shape. I don’t have insurance*, so I can’t go and get a stem-to-stern checkup to say that authoritatively. But, I exercise at least three to four times a week for 40+ minutes (each, not total.) I eat more or less healthily and I rarely get into gunfights. This is not to say I wouldn’t like to have the peace of mind that kickass coverage provides. If something calamitous happened to me – or FSM forbid – my Girl, we would astronomically fucked. But I am doing my best to avoid said catastrophes**.

However, life happens. As it does. Often with !Surprise! visits from the Oh, Shit Fairy. We all know her. She’s the yanker of carpets out from under your feet. The power loss during the marathon writing session. A smack to the back of your head when you’ve done naught wrong except to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. She is merciless and has a vindictive sense of humor. The very best you can do is be as prepared as you can before she arrives with a bag of tacks for your chair and her IRS auditor boyfriend.

Boy, the tone of this just veered into a more serious note, eh?

. . .

But – and I mean this – while I am worried about insurance/health/the future, I am not obsessing about it.





Well, not very much.

I mean, there’s only so much freaking out about the future that you can realistically do. That’s why it’s the *future*. You just have no idea what is waiting around that corner. It could be anything!









Or not. The point is that you don’t know. Anyone who claims that they DO know is probably trying to sell you something.

Like a spurious health elixirs. Or a bridge.

This bridge, maybe.














* – nor a full-time gig, so no money for out-of-pocket exams.

“What does it have in its pocketses?”
“Not a goddamn thing, you greedy fuck.”

** – I don’t know about you guys, but have you noticed that many of the words that convey gigantic, tragic circumstances start with a “c”?

Main Entry: catastrophic  [kat-uh-strof-ik]
Definition: destructive
Synonyms: calamitous, cataclysmal, cataclysmic, catastrophal, disastrous, fatal, ruinous, tragic, carbohydrates, car-jacking, cardiac, cancer.

"C is for cholesterol. And mine's as high as can be!"