_{of course, he often did..}

 “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;”¹

 Today is a day of reflection and thought. I am sitting here in my office, halfway to my 45^th birthday. What, I wonder, is my mark upon this world? Do I even need to make a mark? What have I done with my life, that I could die feeling that I had lived all that I could?

And, to be fair and honest, the answer is “Quite a lot, you silly twit. Stop being maudlin.”
I have. I have a wonderful daughter. I have a wonderful set of friends and pseudo-husband. I am about to finish all the paperwork & flaming hoop-leaping required to finish my degree. I have a lovely home in a pretty, rural area.
I am blessed in so.many.ways.

But there are places I want to go, things that I want to do, that I want to see. Things that explore beyond the little confines of my life as it currently stands.

I am, usually, a grabber of horns. I want to do something, I go and do it. However, in the last few years I have felt too old, too used up, to broken, too busy, too out of shape.

“I can do anything!” became “I don’t think I can do that. I’m [___insert excuse___]” instead.

I have to tell you friends, that is a lonely way to live your life. Hiding from the world and then feeling left out?  Recipe for disaster.

Well, fuck that. I am better than that. I am worth more than fading away and sitting quiet and hoping that I will be overlooked².

No. I will pick back up the reins of my life. I will drive myself to where I want to be, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have a plan. I have a therapist³.  I will do whatever I can to win the war on apathy and lethargy.

¹ – The quote in its entirety:

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead!
In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger.”
           ― William Shakespeare, Henry V

² – And perversely, feeling depressed when I was. Because THAT makes sense, yo.

³ – Oh, thank goodness!