therapy

I Think That Shakespeare Said it Best

~ Bon Steele ~ 1 Comment

of course, he often did..

 “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;”1

 Today is a day of reflection and thought. I am sitting here in my office, halfway to my 45th birthday. What, I wonder, is my mark upon this world? Do I even need to make a mark? What have I done with my life, that I could die feeling that I had lived all that I could?

And, to be fair and honest, the answer is “Quite a lot, you silly twit. Stop being maudlin.”
I have. I have a wonderful daughter. I have a wonderful set of friends and pseudo-husband. I am about to finish all the paperwork & flaming hoop-leaping required to finish my degree. I have a lovely home in a pretty, rural area.
I am blessed in so.many.ways.

But there are places I want to go, things that I want to do, that I want to see. Things that explore beyond the little confines of my life as it currently stands.

I am, usually, a grabber of horns. I want to do something, I go and do it. However, in the last few years I have felt too old, too used up, to broken, too busy, too out of shape.

“I can do anything!” became “I don’t think I can do that. I’m [___insert excuse___]” instead.

I have to tell you friends, that is a lonely way to live your life. Hiding from the world and then feeling left out?  Recipe for disaster.

Well, fuck that. I am better than that. I am worth more than fading away and sitting quiet and hoping that I will be overlooked2.

No. I will pick back up the reins of my life. I will drive myself to where I want to be, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have a plan. I have a therapist3.  I will do whatever I can to win the war on apathy and lethargy.

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1 – The quote in its entirety:

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead!
In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger.”
           ― William Shakespeare, Henry V

2 – And perversely, feeling depressed when I was. Because THAT makes sense, yo.

3 – Oh, thank goodness!

 

(not-quite Jack Handy’s) Deep Thoughts and Bewbs

~ Bon Steele ~ 5 Comments

Do you know what 1.5 days on the beach can get you?
I mean, aside from a gloriously crispy rack?

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Ow.

Some time for thought, introspection. I mean, yeah, there was a lot of giggling and talking and having fun. But, there was also hours at a stretch with nothing but a book I wasn’t quite interested in reading right that moment, the sun, the water, and my thoughts.
Some of those thoughts were just those random, floaty things that most people who have some anxiety live with. I did my very best to smoosh those thoughts into a small, glass jar on a back shelf in my head. They weren’t the important ones, you know?

But the other thoughts? The big ones? Those came crashing in with the sound of the surf.
Just recently, I had been hiding from them. They’re scary. They’ve got some long-reaching implications.

Here’s the thing, though. When you reduce all the headnoise, all the thrashing and flailing that your Christ-Don’t-Make-Me-Change! Psyche throws up at you? You come to some serious plateaus of realization.

And I say “plateaus” on purpose. I have roads of work ahead of me. Because what I realized is that I am an awesome person – who hasn’t felt awesome for a good bit of time.1

Thank goodness for therapists and fantastic friends. They help keep you on the sunnier side of sane(ish).
That feeling as though, you never belonged. This feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy.  I truly understand.. Please don’t go.

In conclusion, I want to say something to any of my readers to whom this may apply. If you are feeling that you don’t matter, that you are awful, that you are gross, that your friends are only faking friendship, that you will never, ever get ahead of the things that are bad in your life?
You’re wrong.
And you need to talk to a professional someone about that.
Because you’re awesome.
Trust me. I know.

1  – nobody panic. I am just saying that I haven’t felt that feeling that I used to have. That Stride Into a Room, Point Like a Lounge-Lizard Superstar at folks and Be One With the Groove. Anxiety, grief, and the illusion that I didn’t matter had eaten my rockstar face off.