I am very happy that the weather decided to behave itself. It is spring, darnit. It is time for flowers and mud and gentle warmth. I want butterflies darting about in their shy dances. Bunines. Baby chicks. Cadbury eggs! I want my cats to peacefuly snooze in the deck chairs, basking in the not-yet-broiling sun.

Looking out right now I see a tangle of tree limbs with little green leaf buds against the blue sky. The window is open and I hear bird calls. There is a nice breeze coming in. THIS is spring. Take your forty degree weather and beat feet, winter. You are banished until further notice.

In my world, spring is always about new beginnings and new adventures. Trying on new things. Taking on new interests. Usually, there is no rhyme nor reason to it. This year, I am changing that. I am dubbing this the Spring of the New Bon. What dewya think? Catchy, hey?

::laugh::

Silly title notwithstanding, I -do- want to make some changes in my life. For the past ten years or so, I’ve been pretty content to rock along with the flow. And while it has been (mostly) fun it hasn’t truly been productive. I haven’t really grabbed hold of my self, the basic me, the round and round of all I am*, and done anything with her. My writing has stalled out, pretty much completely. My workouts have fizzled. My delving into my psyche and dealing with some of the murk, shelved indefinitely. I have ignored stuff. A lot. For the most part, I believed I had good reasons. But really? They aren’t reasons. They’re excuses.

I am almost forty years old. I would like to take down some of those shelved and forgotten things, blow the dust off and see what I’ve got. Could be treasure. Could be junk.No way of knowing until I look.

Maunder!

I am feeling pretty compelled to make some mindful, positive and forward thinking changes. I have been approaching this decision sideways for the last few weeks. Now it is time to face it head on.

So, things…
not going to number these because I don’t want my brain to be all “let’s give THIS one priority because it’s randomly numbered” stoopid brainmeats

–> Be more mindful of where and with who I spend my time. I have fabulous friends. And there are often times that I am not able to see them because of scheduling foo. Let us be more proactive about getting out and doing things with them. mmkay? Mmmkay.

–> As austingoddess so eloquently put it: “being able to climb Japanese mountains and not be winded isn’t going to just happen by itself, ya know? And BTW, this is the only body you get in this life. Just sayin'”.
We have our own mountains to climb. Let us be more conscious of doing good things for it. And not just talking about getting to the gym, although that is certainly important. We want more fresh veggies and less Whataburger in us. Less caffeine wouldn’t hurt us either. And while we are on this subject…

–> It looks like you are trying to pick up smoking again. Knock. It. Off. This is not negotiable.

–> Which more or less leads us to our next point: Da Sleaze. Clubbing is fun. Half the reason you go is to dance and see friends. However, that particular club is a toxic, chemical wasteland. That is why you feel like shit the next day. Let’s limit that and find a venue that we can dance with friends in that doesn’t blow synthesized smoke down our lungs.

–> Hey! Remember when you used to love writing? It filled you with savage, savage glee to write something that you knew was knocked together tight. Here’s the thing. Writing is a skill; much like say, bicycle riding. You won’t ever forget how to do it. But you WILL start sucking more the less you practice. I’m going to let that percolate in your shiny, pointed head for a while.

Got it?
::sighs:: Here, I’ll boil it down for you. Writing = fun. Good writing needs practice. Start practicing or I’ll kneecap you you will lose the ability to do it well.

–> Quit your bitching at yourself re: grades. You are taking fifteen hours of school while raising a child. Be a little kinder to yourself. You are working hard. No one thinks you are a lazy slob. Let go of some of that angst over your previous school experiences, alright? All it is doing is shredding your confidence.

–> oh, hey…that’s right. Confidence. Remember when you had some? Let’s work on getting that back where it belongs. Which is in your heart, dead center.

–> Not everyone lives by the same level of guiltcleanguilthostessguilt that you do. Relax and let that go.

–> Let’s make that whole moving thing a reality. Sit down and figure out what/when/how much. Your man is a whiz with numbers. Let him help you crunch them.

–> BTW, it will get done, even if you aren’t doing it yourself. Being such a control freak is not a.) healthy or b.) nice. You hurt people’s feelings when they offer to help and you can’t won’t delegate. Keep this sort of thing up and your head will explode.

–> You are a loved person. Even when you fuck up. And you will fuck up. Cowboy up, make it right and then –move– on with your life.

I am going to do some more pondering but I think that this is a good start. The plan is currently to take these bullet-points and do a mad plotting with them; figure out the mechanics of making ’em work. Some of them are straight forward (like the whole NOT SMOKING thing)enough that there is no need for A Plan. Others (like having some more confidence in self) will depend on other bullet points to work out correctly.

However, I am NOT going to stress and obsess about this. That just leads to a vicious cycle of planDOINGitFIZZLEoutguiltguilbeatselfupPLAN.
Thanks, no.

* – nod to Koontz for that phrase