So, I am noticing a lot of helpful, advice giving articles on how to have the very best Thanksgiving, ever!

Like this: Tips on Having Thanksgiving Like Regular People

Uh-huh. Here’s MY list:

1. Put off buying the food until the day or night before. The scrap with others shoppers over that last 8 lb turkey and box of Stove Top will get your blood pumping and ready to deal with the next 8 hours of cooking.

2. When your estranged family member calls at 8 PM the day before to let you know that they are coming to dinner, say “Why Jim! Of course you can come! We welcome the chance to see you, your alcoholic wife and your nine children!”

3. Paper plates. Seriously. No one wants to spend the four hours after dinner washing dishes.

4. Put everything breakable up. Not out of reach of the children, but up. In boxes. In the closets. Do it. You will thank me.

5. Also, hide the matches. You do NOT want a repeat of the s’mores incident from the last year, do you?

6. Make sure that all the plumbing is in good working order. Get a Port-a-Potty or similar for Jim et al.

7. Wal-Mart sells those little card tables for pretty cheap.

8. That being said, use old bedsheets for the kid’s tablecloth. They don’t care and you won’t lose your mind when one of the little urchins pours a gravy lake on it like they did to your antique lace the year before last.

9. Resist the urge to spike the iced tea/holiday punch/lemonade with Benadryl.

10. Give thanks that Thanksgiving is only once a year. And change the locks once your family have gone.