craps, is it that time already?

TMI WARNING! (if I could make it blink I would. Promise.)

This post talks about …*glances about for the squeamish* … MENSTRUATION. If you are completely unable to read about this sort of stuff, I have provided a picture of a baby bunny at the bottom of the post. Just skip on down and enjoy!

~The Mgmt

———> Check!

———> Check!

Feeling ugly and useless?
———> Check!

Eating anything not nailed down, esp. if contains hideous amounts of sugar or salt?
———> Check!

———> Check!

Good lord, it must be PMS time!

I have the most gawdaful, cranky, sweaty, cold, painful and nasty periods. What’s worse is that they often sneak up on me. I will be going along, fine and the WHAMMO! Blood outta fucking nowhere! And we aren’t talking a dainty little teaspoon, oh no. Nonono. Not on MY uterus’s watch. More often, it looks like I have messily murdered a midget in my bed.

I was tired of getting constantly surprised (and buying sheets) so I downloaded an app to keep track of things. It is muy wonderful as far as it goes. But it doesn’t do all the things that it should. For example, I think that it should send out email notifications to all my nearest and dearest. Maybe something that blinks or sounds giant klaxxons, warning of impending bitchitude. Flower and chocolate companies should be put on alert as well. FedEx trucks should roll up to my door and drop off econo-boxes of Advil. Additionally, during my period I think every time I pick up the iPod, I should get a little bio-feedback. With, I dunno, dolphins and whalesongs and some shit.

One of my cousins – years ago, and no I have NO idea what happened to the snippy little twat girl – told me that I was causing my own pain/misery by expecting it. If only I would just relax and let, like Mother Nature take Her Natural Course (trust me, you could hear the capital letters). Why, then I would not be wrought up and tense and my period would be *wonderful*.

*eyebrow arch*

Oh, really Ms. I Bleed Lightly For Three Whole Days? Well, let me tell YOU something. When you stop shitting bluebirds and bleeding pixie dust and start having a real period, then you and I can talk. Tell you what — why don’t you come back on Day-flipping-7 of MY little trip through Nature’s Bounty, and we can discuss how rapturous it all is.

I suggest you bring ice cream.

28 thoughts on “craps, is it that time already?

  1. I was fine with everything UNTIL I REACHED THAT RABBIT.

    That is a highly irresponsible image to unleash on the unsuspecting public. Explain yourself, young lady.

    Also, your cousin is a freak. No offence. But she is. Most women I know go through their periods in much the same manner as a cat being dragged down a tiled hall by a piece of string tied onto its collar. There is foul language. There is resistance. There is fear. There is hostility. There is a lot of blood. It is not necessarily all the cat’s.

    1. That is a highly irresponsible image to unleash on the unsuspecting public. Explain yourself, young lady.

      The bunny warning at the beginning of the essay meets all requirements of the blog-board visual committee and OSHA. If you would like to file a complaint, you may do so, in person. ;D

      RE: Cousin

      Yes. Yes, she is. She meant well but poking a grumpy Mare with a stick when she’s doing the scarlet Niagra act is dumb.

      I giggled at your description, btw. I thought I would add this to the end, though:

      There is a lot of blood. It is not necessarily all the cat’s. The likelihood is, none of it is the cat’s.

  2. And people wonder why I say I plan to keep getting Mirena IUDs for the rest of my fertile days. I haven’t menstruated in two years. I will rip my uterus out with my own bare hands before I ever even THINK about having another period ever again.

    1. I’ve thought about doing the Mirena but foreign bodies in mine make me go jibblies. Plus, the hormones make me even crazier, and that is never a good thing.
      Mostly because I know where all the sharps are.

  3. Reaches into her internet bag of holding

    *Pulls out an entire ice cream shop*

    Pick your favorite flavor.

    3 day…. 3 DAYS?!?! and it calls that a what?!?!? Oooooohhhhh no she didn’t. And I am right along side of you. I had a week and a HALF of the PMS ahead of time, and kept going… would you START already. And then of course, just like you, it doesn’t just trickle… it’s like someone released Hoover Damn.

    If I wasn’t trying to get pregnant, with my current fiance, I would just go back on Depo. Oi!

    1. Re: Reaches into her internet bag of holding


      Oi, indeed.
      I get a week of grumpy, crampy, bloaty, O Let’s Fuck With Digestion While We’re Here, headachey bullshit for a week. Then – and it is almost always when I sleep – the scarlet fairy turns my inner valve over to “gush”.
      I have learned to put dark sheets on the bed when I start feeling like this.

  4. I need to get that app. I have rejoined the bloody ranks as of a month ago: my Mirena finally expired and had to come out and was replaced with Micronor pills. I haven’t had a real period since before Zoe was born O_o It’s an interesting re-experience, lemme tellya. At least it’s not as painful as it used to be. Still have to get used to things like, oh, leaking, and only wearing dark panties. :/

  5. I used to be similar to your cousin – well, not on the philosophy that everybody’s bodies work the same, but on personal lack of belly cramps. I had other issues – mostly in that my “normal” scheduled varied between 20-35 days, and stressing over not getting it just made it later (which as a sexually active college student REALLY was stressful).

    But (in the words of my Mother) “You’re getting older, dear” and things be changing. Starting this summer, I’m now getting the incapacitating version and I Don’t Like It, Not One Bit. I had a stressful season, and I’m hoping that this was the reason, but am NOT looking forward to this being a regular occurrence.

    A buddy told me she had a combo of procedures – Essure for birth control and something else that stopped her periods entirely. Thinking heavily…

    1. I will think hopeful thoughts that it was the season causing your distress and NOT a forever change.

      I hear you on the wacky timing thing. It is better than it used to be. I would cycle 20-40 days and then crotch flood like whoa! for twelve. Hormones make me sick/crazy so they aren’t a good option for me.

      I am seriously considering building a little Menstrual Hut to withdraw to once a month. It will have cocoa, soothing &/or angry music, a punching bag and be decorated all in red and black.

  6. You are singin’ my song, sister. I’m right there with you this week.

    Kent actually pays more attention to it than I do, because I routinely have the night sweats, really stressful dreams, bizarre cravings and then *boom!*

  7. So, I kind of don’t hate my period any more.


    About five years ago I switched to using a Diva Cup. There was a lot of anecdotal evidence about it making for less stressful periods but nothing particularly documented, so I was skeptical, but willing to spend $30 to find out. Though I didn’t really expect it to change much, after a while my period started to get a lot lighter (it’s still Godawful I Murdered A Midget With My Crotch heavy, but the midget is smaller now) and I found myself resenting it a fuck of a lot less.

    Also, will allow you to set e-mail reminders. Those e-mail reminders can automatically be cc’d to another e-mail address, and you can choose whatever title you’d like to have, such as, “For the love of all that’s holy, man, batten the hatches and stock up on Milky Ways!!!!!!”

    Much love,

    1. “Put the bunny….back in the box…” /nick cage

      I have heard about those. I haven’t done any real research though although if what you say is true, then I surely will. Lighter, less stressful monthlies is a GOOD THING.

      smaller midget

      Ooh, thanks for the link! I will see if my little iPod app will do any of those things. If not, I can always switch over.

      mmmmmmMilky Waysssssss….

  8. austingoddess, that is a totally disturbing icon… I LOVE IT!

    I can empathize with you, I am currently on day *counts fingers* 15 of my period. Mind you, I get small breaks in the middle. Like, day 1, then 3 days off, then 7 days on, then three more days off and it’s back today!

    So, I will keep you in my thoughts if you keep me in yours.

    1. It is a disturbing icon. I try to not look at it too close as I am afraid it might trigger some sort of violent fit.

      15 days?
      What does yer doctor say? ?? ? ?

      ACK. I will most certainly keep you in my thoughts. My very worried thoughts!

      1. Back when I had insurance, they weren’t too worried about it, wanted me on BC pills to control it, but honestly, the 20 to 30 lbs I gain every time I start the pill, and the fact it’d would be entirely out of pocket… Well, it isn’t really worth it to me…

        Also since I have a copper IUD, my period is more painful and longer than “normal.” That said, my “normal” period usually lasted anywhere from 7 to 10 days. With cramps starting just below my armpits and ending just below my knee joints. Those lovely things start about 3 days before my period and last (sporadically) throughout the whole thing. Thankfully, with this super long one, the cramping stopped sometime last week, in the middle of the 7 day spur of it.

        I’m just one of those lucky people.

  9. I tried one of those aps, but it was never any good at predicting SURPRISE PERIOD! Surprise period arrives every one or two weeks, stays a day, causes more pain than broken bones (I’ve compared, by accident, the pain levels), then goes away. Surprise period is not in sync with REGULAR PERIOD who, like you, leaves the mutilated, slightly clotted, remains of dead midgets in the bedding for seven to ten days.

    This morning? Bum prints.

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